Eric Cartman – “Social Distancing” (Original Music) – SOUTH PARK

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Cartman sings about all the ways the pandemic has made his life better.
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#SouthPark #PandemicSpecial

EXT. WIDE SHOT – CARTMAN’S HOUSE – MORNING
It’s more of a drone point of view wide shot, high angle with a few more houses visible around Cartman’s. As if on cue from, Randy’s last line, Big theatrical happy music starts to play.
Then a TITLE FADES up — ‘South Park’ and then ‘Pandemic Special’
CARTMAN (V.O.)
Wow…
INT. CARTMAN’S ROOM – MORNING
Cartman is sleeping in his bed when his alarm goes off. His eyes open but he doesn’t move.
HAPPY MUSIC plays as Cartman springs out of bed with a huge smile on his face and walks over to the curtains.
He THROWS the curtains open excitedly and looks out over the neighborhood.
CARTMAN
(singing)
Wow! Another day inside! Don’t have to do a thing!
Cartman turns back to his room, puts out his arms and sings to the heavens-
CARTMAN
I love you social dis-tan-cing!
Cartman hops back up on his bed, standing on it to sing more.
CARTMAN
No one’s around No one’s talking to me Social distancing I’m freee!
INT. CARTMAN’S BATHROOM – SECONDS LATER
Cartman bursts in the bathroom and gesture towards the sink and shower.
CARTMAN
Don’t have to brush my teeth – Or shower. For WHAT???
Smash cut to Cartman on the toilet reading a comic book.
CARTMAN
I can sit on the toilet for hours – As much as I want! Cuz no one’s saying to meeee. You kids should get outside and do something.
Cartman’s phone alarm goes off and he looks at it.
CARTMAN
Ohp! Nine am! Time for school!
INT. CARTMAN’S ROOM – SECONDS LATER
Cartman happily walks up to the computer and hits some buttons. The music to the song continues underneath.
BEHIND CARTMAN ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN – The other kids in Cartman’s class start to pop up on a zoom call.
TEACHER
(on zoom)
Good morning guys, everyone ready to start school?
KIDS
Good morning/Hi Mrs. Davis/Hello/I’m here/etc.
TEACHER
Okay I think we’re all here- I see Jimmy and Clyde are on now… ERIC ARE YOU THERE?
CARTMAN
Yes teacher I’m here! I can’t wait to start scho- scho- ep. Ep. Ee.
As Cartman does this he pretends to be freezing.
TEACHER
Oh no Eric I think your computer is freezing up again?
CARTMAN
Oh no really? Can you guys hear me? I just said– Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh.
Cartman freezes in a pose.
TEACHER
Eric you’ll just have to listen again, okay? Best you can.
Cartman happily sets an iPad in from of his computer. The iPad has a fullscreen image of frozen Cartman with his eyes closed.
TEACHER (O.S.)
So let’s start today guys, by going over yesterday’s grammar examples. Wendy can you read the first one?
CARTMAN
(singing)
I’m cut off from the world! Isolated, alone-
On the way out, Cartman happily grabs a six foot stick that’s standing by the door. Then he strikes a pose with it.
CARTMAN
This is what I call existancing!
INT. CARTMAN’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
ON THE STAIRS – Cartman comes down the steps towards camera almost using the stick like a cane in a musical-
CARTMAN
No one can touch me – or boss me around!
Cartman comes bopping down the stairs still in his Pjs, happily holding his stick. His mom appears at the bottom of the stairs.
CARTMAN
Social Distancing-
CARTMAN’S MOM
(spoken)
Eric, aren’t you supposed to be on your zoom call?
CARTMAN
(singing)
Stay away from me mom! Yeah! You got to keep your social dis-tance!
As Cartman does this he walks in a big semi circle around his mom with his stick pointed at her to keep her six feet away and heads to the kitchen-
INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Smash cut to Cartman as he’s just sitting down at the kitchen table to pour himself a big bowl of cheesy poofs poofs into a cereal bowl and then cover it with milk, smiling a humming the whole time.
CARTMAN
Cause all I’m gonna do is sing… About how much I love you – and I need you – social distancing!

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